A Wave in the Ocean

 As someone who is clinically diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I often hear people call suicide a choice. Let me be clear: when you are suicidal, it does not feel like a choice. I once heard someone compare the feeling to standing in a window of a burning building, and someone on the ground who cannot feel the fire says, “Don’t jump! You have so much to live for!” When someone who is depressed chooses suicide, it is not really a “choice.” It is effectively a surrender. You are finally surrendering the fight. You have to have been in immense, lasting pain for a prolonged period of time, to the point that your own brain literally cannot think of a single good reason why you should be alive.

The human will to live is INCREDIBLY powerful. When you are on the edge, your survival instinct will keep pushing you forward for months, years, sometimes even decades, it is so hard to finally give up. When I was at the bottom, thinking about suicide often felt like a comfort. “No matter how bad things get, I can always kill myself.” Even then, I clawed my way back. People need to understand: suicide isn’t a choice. It’s the terrible loss of an incredibly difficult war against your own brain. 

yun hi to na roya hoga

 Yun hii to vo na roya hoga.

Kuch batien to hongi jinme vo khoya hoga.

Sbkii sunte sunte aaj fir thak kr vo soya hoga.

Or yun hii to vo na roya hoga.

Apnii zubann pr chuppi usne fir lgaya hoga.

Apna haq mangne pr aaj fir vo sataya hoga.

Sbki khushiyo ke liye khud ko kho kr fr aaj vo roya hoga.

Yun hii to na vo roya hoga.

Kehne ko h uske dil m bout si batienn.

Pr vo kh na paya hoga.

Sham dhalne Par jab vo chhat pr aaya hoga...

Khule aasman ko dekh kr udne ki chah usne fir jataya hoga...

Yun hi to vo na roya hoga.

 Bheegi palko m apne spno ko fir se chupaya hogaa.

Uske dil ka haal koi na jaan paya hogaa koshish kisii ne kii hi nii usko samjhne kiii or vo ladka beegi bheegi palko mai aaj fir soya hoga...

Yun hi to vo na roya hoga.

Bout si uljhano mai vo kho sa gya hai.

Sbko khush rkhne m khud ko bhul sa gya hai.

Koi ni smjhta ki usne kya khoya hai...

 

Haq to do usko kuch khnee kaa...

Haq to do usko kisi ka saath nibhane ka

Sapne uske bhi hai....Haq to do use un sapno ko jeene ka.

Tmne jitna socha bi nii vo usse jydaa tmko kr ke dikhyga hai uskii manzil ni aasan par vo usko hasil krke dikhayega.

Richa didi

You are unique and brave, savvy, and so talented. You really are something else. I’m grateful to consider you as my sister, my shoulder to cry on, and sometimes my mom Lol. I may be little , but I’ve always felt that I could talk to you about most things, and that you would understand, and that if I needed it, you would have some encouraging advice, or in the very least some non-judgmental support to offer.

 

You’re special. I’ve never really had a lot of people I feel comfortable talking to. So every time I was low or upset, I usually resorted to ignoring most of my problems instead of figuring out where I went wrong and attempting to make things better. But we met and became friends. And for some reason, I thought you could be the person I could confide in. After being friends for long, sharing dreams, stories and fantasies, my trust in you has only grown beyond light years. You’ve made me realize the importance of having friends, and maintaining relations. You’ve helped me value my relations. So much of who I am and how I think is thanks to you.

I may not have been the person you wanted to be friends with. I may not have been what you wanted me to be. I may not have been there to share the best moments of your life, or the worse. But I promise to do the best I can. You’re one of the pillars of my strength. And I promise to always try to be one of yours.

 

Sometimes I wonder how you know me so well. I’ve always had a handicap of expressing my feelings verbally. But you know things even before I tell you. (Seriously, what kind of sorcery is that?) LOL You know when I am upset. You also know when I just need someone to sit with me to share the silence if I don’t want to talk. Or when I’m just being stubborn. Somehow, you know. But you never give me the luxury of being in denial or get fed lies. It is a type of quality that makes you irreplaceable.

 

I promise to tell you things. Express my love and fears. I’ve been working at it for a while now.

I love you, didi. There’re not a lot of people I’d take a bullet for. I don’t think I tell you enough. Out of all the words to describe you, I think the word that is most accurate is kind. And no wonder being friends with you all these years has made me someone I’m proud to be. You’re so many more adjectives (generous, helpful and implausibly caring), but your kindness is unrelenting and I’m certain it will bring all the awesomeness in the world that you deserve.

 

Words are insufficient, but you need to know how awesomely awesome you are, so they’re going to have to do for now, anyway. I promise to always be here, somewhere in the background to remind you every day, lest you ever doubt it.

 

You’re smart and intelligent. And no matter how lost you feel, I know for a fact that wherever you find yourself, will be the right place. It breaks my heart to think of you struggling, because I know sometimes you do. Because, I do, too. I know it feels like the world is being a jerk to you sometimes, when people are mean, or when life is changing and everything is just way too overwhelming, but I know you can endure it. You’re tough. Even if you’re exhausted or busy or mad, I know you make time for the people you love. And we have known each other for a long time. Maybe that’s how I know you’ll be able to deal with difficult and annoying people easily (And for that, you’re welcome).

I promise never to leave you alone, not because I am incredibly creepy or clingy, but because I am indebted to you for life.

 

You care. Everyone else bails. To be honest, I expect them to. Times get rough and I’m not fun to be around when that happens. People don’t like being around when in times like these. It’s a burden. But you stay. You stay even when things look like shit. You let me talk and cry and never make me feel guilty for needing you. You’re selfless and loving. And it surprises me because I’ve never known caring like this. You’re inspiring.

You deserve so much more than this little post, but since I don’t know how I could ever repay you, this is an attempt to do just that. I promise to return the favor even if it takes a lifetime, because I’m not going anywhere.

 

I promise to be there to see you become stronger as you move past hurdles, tumbling and falling on occasions. I promise to be there to be your personal cheerleader and applaud with every ounce of my being when you win all the battles.

 

Among every promise I make today, I think there’s a need to include an apology. I’m not perfect (I know, I know, shocker, right?). For all the unnecessary drama, utterly pointless rants and the hullabaloo that I created in your life. I’m sorry if i ever take you for granted, doing and saying whatever came to my mind with blithe disregard to your feelings. You never hesitated to call me out on my immaturity or let me get away with it. You can be brutal in your opinions and advice, and yet that brutality is laced with all the affection in the world. I am sorry for being self-centered sometimes. But I am getting better by the day; or at least trying to be. And the journey from being immature and selfish, to a better person has been has been a learning experience.

There are times when I do not like you too much, because sometimes I think you care a lot and I don’t deserve it. As trite as this may sound, I strive to be a better person because of people like you in my life.

 

So, I promise. You have given me an important place in your life, and I promise to always value it.

 

No matter how far we’ve come, how busy we’ve become or how much we’ve matured, nothing can change the care and the affection that I have for you. I am thankful I met you. Because life without you i wont be alive for sure

 

i love you richa didi

 

your little brother -Deep

 

इस बार

 

इस बार आना तो पूरे आना....

आधे अधूरे तुम अच्छे नहीं लगते....

जीने मरने की कसमें नहीं चाहिए,

बस इस बार साथ पूरा लाना...

इस बार आना तो पूरे आना...

मुददतों से मांगी दुआओं का असर थे तुम,

मज़िल तो नहीं... पर मेरा सफर थे तुम...

जाने अनजाने जो छूट गए कभी पीछे हो..

बस वो ख्वाब पूरे लाना.......

इस बार आना तो पूरे आना...

आधे अधूरे तुम अच्छे नहीं लगते.......

कोण हूँ मैं ?

 कोइ तुमसे पुछे 

कोण हूँ मैं ?
तुम कह देना
कोई खास नही ...

एक दोस्त हैं 
पक्का कच्चा सा,
एक झुठ हैं 
आधा सच्चा सा !

जज्बात से ढका 
एक पर्दा हैं,
एक बहाना 
कोई अच्छा सा !

जिवन का ऐसा 
साथी था जो, 
पास होकर 
भी पास नही !

कोई तुमसे पुछे 
कोण हूँ मैं ?
तुम कह देना
कोई खास नही ...

एक साथी जो,
अनकही सी 
बातें कह जाता हैं !

यादो में जिसका
धुंधला सा,
एक चेहरा ही 
रह जाता है !

यूं तो उसके 
ना होने का 
मुझको कोई
गम नही !

पर कभी कभी 
वो आँखो से,
आंसू बनके 
बह जाता हैं !

यु रहता तो 
मेरे जहन में हैं,
पर नजरो को
उसकी तलाश नहीं !

कोई तुमसे पुछे 
कोण हूँ मैं ?
तुम कह देना
कोई खास नही ...

साथ बनकर 
जो रहता हैं,
वो दर्द बाटता 
जाता हैं !

भूलना तो चाहुँ
उसको पर,
वो यादो मै 
छा जाता हैं !

अकेला महसुस 
करूँ कभी जो,
सपनो में आ जाता हैं !

मैं साथ खडा हुँ 
सदा तुम्हारे, 
कहकर साहस
दे जाता हैं !

ऐसे ही रहता हैं 
साथ मेरे की,
उसकी मौजूदगी का 
आभास नहीं ! 

कोई तुमसे पुछे 
कोण हूँ मैं ?
तुम कह देना
कोई खास नही ...

i love her so much

 I love her more than anyone else in the world. I can kill myself to stop her cry. I can't live without her even for a split second. I never hide anything from her. She knows me completely. Not even I know myself that properly. I wanna take her everywhere I go. I don't let her go away for even a single minute from me. We always stay together. Yes, we get upset due to each other's behaviour sometimes, but we make up quickly. I can't measure how much I love her, but I can tell u one thing for sure, she is the only one I love that much.

I can't imagine my life without my girlfriend because my 'imagination' is my girlfriend.

me now

People around me either say they understand or they will listen to me cry about my depression and suicidal thoughts. The truth is, they neither understand, nor do they care about listening to me. They only say it so they could look like the good guy and get virtue points

I can't continue this  every day i use to be happy person earlier but then lockdown came in my life lockdown has changed my life in negative way. i have learned many things like going many days hungry people who use to say dont worry i am with you in a last 1yr i have 1.5 lakh of burden credit score gone zero my father often ask me for help but i couldn't

 

but there is one light in my life my sister you know we don't have blood relation but she always stands for me after her i realized when you're in problem not even your parents gonna help (i am talking about real issues) so she helping me and i was trying to get a loan and pay clear all my burden

 

I've always heard from people that it is only your parents who love you unconditionally, but after such bitter experiences I don’t think it's true at all. They keep showering their love on you up until you keep fulfilling their wishes. The day you go against them and for something you want, then all the love will just fade away.

 

guess what surprise by gov. again lockdown again i lough at my self i have no idea how long i can carry this as we all know mantel health is important but i cant have that you know people often says money is not important, i think Yes, it's it is very important.

 

Money is like that most important question which you definitely need to cover. It solves most of your life problems. The remaining chapters are the other factors of life like enjoyment time, relationships, etc. They are important but you cannot really do much to control them. You work day and night to earn money and leave the rest to your luck and surprises of life.

In today’s world, If you have money, you have friends, family, relatives, respect in society too. But when you are lacking money you have to face taunts behind your back and on face too.

 

when i had no financial problem everyone wanted to talk meet every one was nice to me whenever someone needed me i have taken stand for them now when i call or text them they dont even answer or reply

 

but now I'm just tired

That's been my response to a lot of questions lately.. Depression is never easy, especially when you cant do anything or dont have motivation to do anything. I am failing to see the point of living if I'm only here to work myself to death. I just want to sleep forever. Not necessarily die, but just rest. I'm in a constant state of exhaustion, even after a full night of sleep. My body never heals. I don't want to feel like this anymore, it's making me more sick as time moves on. The funny thing is, no one notices that I'm not well, people know that I battle with depression, but they don't understand what depression is. They think it's all in my head and I can fix it by just "being happy". You can't just "be" happy. It pisses me off. Don't you think that if I could be happy, I would? Do you think I want to struggle getting out of bed every morning, struggle to take a shower? brush my teeth? comb my hair? I am tired of it all. I don't want to do this anymore. I am overwhelmed by every obstacle of life and I just want it to stop. 

 

 

 

Im helpless stuck in a loop of hoping that one day i will find the courage to stop everything. i even wrote dates and methods to do the same ,i cant help it. I just wanna take a rope put it around my neck and jump of a building to end this pain for once.

to my love

 I’m sorry 

I can’t accurately describe how you make me feel. You are the most amazing girl in the world. Your beauty is radiant, your smile is so precious, and your personality is as cute as can be.

I am so sorry for my mistakes and all the pain you’ve been through in your life. I hope you know you deserved none of it. I just want to give you a better life. To hold you tight and keep you safe. 

I feel numb every night thinking of the trauma you’ve suffered. How you can’t see what a special person you are. How you can’t see that you deserve the world.

You tell me I’m far too good for you, but if anything it’s the other way around. You deserve so much more than me. But I’m so grateful for your love.

I know you feel like i behave bossy but babe even little thing happens to you It kills me to think of you alone, or unhappy  You don’t like compliments i know, you can’t believe me when I tell you how beautiful you are. But it’s true. 

The only time I’ve feel true happiness is when we  plan our future together. It is everything that I want and more. I hope you know I will always be here for you.

i love you 🌹

I’m so happy I found you!!

You’ve been my crush for the last 1.8 years and I’m so glad that we are now together!

You always give me small compliments and you have no idea how happy that makes me. Just a short and simple “You’re my baby” leaves me smiling for the next hour because it’s coming from you.

I love how you freak out whenever I tell you that I’ve gotten hurt, even if it’s just a small cut you panic and ask me things like if I’m okay.

You make me laugh a bunch even if I’m feeling down. Whenever I talk to you I just feel relaxed and happy. It’s like positivity radiates from you.

I also love the way you smile and look at me, it makes me feel important. Whenever you talk to someone new I love how shy you are, it’s really cute.

The nicknames you have for me and the heart you had added in last of my nick name are really nice and definitely better than the ones I gave you. 

You look adorable and your eyes.... ahhhh your amazing eyes. They look great on you! You are also quite intelligent and have an answer to pretty much everything I ask you. You are just the perfect person.

If you’re reading this till here, I want you to know that I love you soooo much!

i know i am not capable now but I want you to know that I’m going to marry you someday. ❤️

your and only your Clay ❤️

Still

Hey, 

 If you didn't know, I had a pretty hefty a crush on you. There's something so alluring about intelligence paired with benevolence. You stand out. In my mind, we seemed to have had a deep, cosmic connection unlike any other, as if some force was pulling us together. It was so strong that I thought you must have felt it, too. Despite this, I always tried to do what was right. 

With hindsight, I think you're just gifted at making people feel seen. You're special in that way. Most people are too occupied with themselves. I felt both suspicious of and elated by your kindness. You had no sinister ulterior motive, though. You simply are that wonderful. 

 We never really knew each other, but I really wanted (want) to know you. Something tells me I'll have affection for you for years to come. But you have your life, I have mine, and we can't be more than what we are. I am happy where I'm at, though. It seems like you are, too. Happiness and blessings are all I want for you. 

Letting go is a long process for me. I care for you and I admire the hell out of you. That's all. Hopefully this will be the last time I write you. Take care of yourself.