me now

People around me either say they understand or they will listen to me cry about my depression and suicidal thoughts. The truth is, they neither understand, nor do they care about listening to me. They only say it so they could look like the good guy and get virtue points

I can't continue this  every day i use to be happy person earlier but then lockdown came in my life lockdown has changed my life in negative way. i have learned many things like going many days hungry people who use to say dont worry i am with you in a last 1yr i have 1.5 lakh of burden credit score gone zero my father often ask me for help but i couldn't

 

but there is one light in my life my sister you know we don't have blood relation but she always stands for me after her i realized when you're in problem not even your parents gonna help (i am talking about real issues) so she helping me and i was trying to get a loan and pay clear all my burden

 

I've always heard from people that it is only your parents who love you unconditionally, but after such bitter experiences I don’t think it's true at all. They keep showering their love on you up until you keep fulfilling their wishes. The day you go against them and for something you want, then all the love will just fade away.

 

guess what surprise by gov. again lockdown again i lough at my self i have no idea how long i can carry this as we all know mantel health is important but i cant have that you know people often says money is not important, i think Yes, it's it is very important.

 

Money is like that most important question which you definitely need to cover. It solves most of your life problems. The remaining chapters are the other factors of life like enjoyment time, relationships, etc. They are important but you cannot really do much to control them. You work day and night to earn money and leave the rest to your luck and surprises of life.

In today’s world, If you have money, you have friends, family, relatives, respect in society too. But when you are lacking money you have to face taunts behind your back and on face too.

 

when i had no financial problem everyone wanted to talk meet every one was nice to me whenever someone needed me i have taken stand for them now when i call or text them they dont even answer or reply

 

but now I'm just tired

That's been my response to a lot of questions lately.. Depression is never easy, especially when you cant do anything or dont have motivation to do anything. I am failing to see the point of living if I'm only here to work myself to death. I just want to sleep forever. Not necessarily die, but just rest. I'm in a constant state of exhaustion, even after a full night of sleep. My body never heals. I don't want to feel like this anymore, it's making me more sick as time moves on. The funny thing is, no one notices that I'm not well, people know that I battle with depression, but they don't understand what depression is. They think it's all in my head and I can fix it by just "being happy". You can't just "be" happy. It pisses me off. Don't you think that if I could be happy, I would? Do you think I want to struggle getting out of bed every morning, struggle to take a shower? brush my teeth? comb my hair? I am tired of it all. I don't want to do this anymore. I am overwhelmed by every obstacle of life and I just want it to stop. 

 

 

 

Im helpless stuck in a loop of hoping that one day i will find the courage to stop everything. i even wrote dates and methods to do the same ,i cant help it. I just wanna take a rope put it around my neck and jump of a building to end this pain for once.